Presidential Candidates 2012: Princess Celestia

There is an election upon us. How can we forget? Every day, we’re bombarded by television, radio, and print endorsements for the presidential candidates paid for by the parties and rich-ass bastards practically buying your vote. The toxic bullp*ss is getting so deep on both sides that I need a hazmat suit.  It is times like this I wish I had a real 3rd party choice. One that might win. One that might end this republican and democrat crap for good. The real silent majority knows nothing will ever get done as long as the parties are cock-blocking each other all day.

If I’m going to fantasize about getting a real leader in office, I might as well go whole-hog. This time, I’m going to throw my nomination into my long-neglected fantasy candidates series. Anybody who knows me probably knew this was coming. My pick for fantasy presidential candidate is Princess Celestia.

Princess Celestia

Princess Celestia is the Alicorn ruler of the magical kingdom of Equestria. Not only does she wear the mantle of leadership, but she is also the being responsible for the raising and setting the sun every day. As far as it is known, during her reign of over 1000 years, Equestria’s indigenous race of sentient ponies have enjoyed a time of progress, plenty, and relative peace. A living representation of all three of the pony races; Earth, Pegasus, and Unicorn, Celestia rules from atop the mountainside castle of Canterlot, but can often be found taking a personal interest in the lives of her subjects.

Why? Strong, wise, and understanding, Celestia is certainly the embodiment of the benevolent leader. By all official records, there has been found no evidence of war, widespread poverty, or pollution in all of Equestria since her reign began over 100o years ago. The princess treasures harmony among her subjects above all things, teaching that it is only through a general harmony between all people (or ponies, in this case) can such a peerless kingdom exist.

While Celestia may seem like a “mamby-pamby princess”, she will use force to protect her subjects and the harmony of the kingdom, if necessary; even once imprisoning her own sister on the moon when her sibling became jealous of the daylight and threatened Equestria with eternal night. Also, as magical as Equestria is, the duties of her position are still taxing. Celestia is accustomed to a life of living for her people, and is almost constantly engaged in official business.

Despite her busy scheduled the princess makes a point to mingle with her subjects when possible, and occasionally takes special interest in their lives. When they are faced with a dire situation, she often guides them, letting them rely on each other and their own strength before personally stepping in to lend a hoof.

Why not? Aside from the official histories, very little is known about Celestia; despite the fact she has been alive for well over 1000 years. In fact, not much is known about the history of Equestria itself, aside from the story of the kingdom’s founding, recounted as a holiday celebration. It is hard to believe there are no stains on the seemingly perfect record of both the nation and its sovereign ruler. There are always rumors that there is more to the story behind Luna’s betrayal and her subsequent banishment to the moon. Rumors of Celestia being a drunk and creepy sex maniac also pop up from time to time.

It is also uncertain as to whether ruling a magical kingdom of ponies would translate to being able to rule a country full of humans. The idea of harmony is mostly a fairytale to our people, and often only translates as far as harmonizing with people who are like us, and usually only then for as long as it takes to conquer others. Also, being a princess, and the sole mare in charge of everything, working with the branches of American government might be a problem. The concept of term limits might be a bit of a shock as well.

There is a matter of running mates as well. It is likely Celestia would choose her sister, Luna, the Princess of the Night, to be Vice President.  Aside from once becoming a wicked mare of darkness in a fit of jealous rage, threatening the whole of Equestria with eternal darkness, Luna is a little behind the times due to her imprisonment on the moon. Currently, she has the air of a Victorian-Era noble, though she is learning to have a a more modern demeanor.

Final Analysis Quite frankly, I think the American people need a magical unicorn right now. I think we’re tired of the bullp*ss, and tired of the little core constituencies that pick our presidents every four years. Most of us vote republican or democratic on a few issues because we feel like we have to, but we just want somebody who will just do some real work. I firmly believe that if a candidate could promise to  steamroll both parties over and turn America into a magical kingdom filled with harmony, that candidate could win. I wouldn’t care if that candidate was a talking horse, and I don’t think many other people would either. What we don’t know about her past, or what we don’t see in Equestria can’t be worse than what we know about here.

I am always looking for more fictional Presidential candidates. Please submit a few in comments or to bullpissblog@gmail.com. There are a few rules:

Try to stick with people/things/animals you would actually want to see elected.
Fictional characters should at least have some personality or back story.
Avoid historical figures. Boring.
No real politicians; living or dead. Way boring.

Check out these past candidates:

Vegeta
Michael Jackson
Honey Badger
Princess Leia

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One comment on “Presidential Candidates 2012: Princess Celestia

  1. President Celestia can not “turn America into a magical kingdom filled with harmony”. I don’t care how competent or how many thousands or years of experience the president has, the president is merely the leader of the Executive branch of the Federal government, and even if (God forbid) the president were to be given dictatorial powers and a life term, he’d still just control the government. The government is not capable of magically making society or individual people better.

    Assuming Congress took her advice, Celestia could make the economy much better, probably in large part by repealing (or fixing) counter-productive regulations. If Congress didn’t take her advice, well at least the veto would help prevent new counter-productive regulations. With her (presumed) extreme military experience, she could most likely crush Islamist militarism/terrorism, if we were going to keep intervening in the middle east. The quality of the education system should improve vastly, if the state government’s took her advice (education is a state issue). As for imagination, if congress took her advice, she could likely give us the perfect balance of immigrants who would improve our economy and enrich our culture, without creating a demographic threat or permanent underclass. If congress didn’t take her advice, well she’s the leader of the Executive branch, so she can improve enforcement.

    In short, her thousands or years of experience at governing would be very very useful, for governing. As for making us better people or making our society better, that’s something we’ll need to do ourselves. No president and no government can do that for us.
    However, I will grant that Celestia’s bully pulpit, as president, as a 2000+ year old talking horse, and as princess of Equestria, can grease the weals of that process.

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