Apocalypse Sooner or Later: Zombies are best-case scenario

I heard on the radio the other day that sales of zombie killing ammunition are on the rise in urban areas due to the recent outbreak of people chewing on each other. I was surprised to find out there was actually real ammunition designed to kill zombies, and even more surprised to find out it was produced by Hornady; a reputable manufacturer. I was not surprised to find out morons were buying it.

Okay, it is kind of fun. Z-Max (the Z is for Zombie) has been on sale for a while now (though this is the first I’ve heard of it), capitalizing on the fun zombie apocalypse craze. It is basically their nifty Critical Defense line; hollow point bullets with a blob of polymer inserted into the tip to prevent soft materials like layers of clothing keeping the bullet from fully expanding. It even comes in a cheesy package. It is completely functional. I’ve heard they skimped on the grain count, but it looks in line, if not higher, with other ammunition lines they produce.

I think it is a little superfluous, though. Any bullet will kill a zombie, properly placed. Of course, they’ve probably found a way to appeal to younger gun enthusiasts, and probably even non-gun owners.

The real issue here though, is the whole zombie apocalypse thing. Yeah, maybe people are biting on each other, but that’s nothing new. One high-profile case of a naked dude hopped up on synthetic drugs eating the face of another naked dude, and suddenly we’re hearing about biting everywhere. It’s pretty common, actually. They don’t all involve a guy who walks into bullets, but it does happen. It doesn’t mean zombies are upon us.

Besides, I think a zombie apocalypse is wishful thinking. I think a lot of people would love it. Sure, the initial carnage would be horrifying, but I think people like the idea of fighting slow, dumb monsters; survivors in a new world without obligations like work and credit-card debt. A world in which the rich and the “cool guys” don’t have the advantage. Yeah, I get it.   However, when the “apocalypse” comes, it isn’t going to be as fun as zombies.

Like a friend of mine once said, he’d rather die to a bug-eyed tentacled thingy than a ghost, because he could at least punch the bug-eyed tentacled thingy as it ate him. You can’t do sh*t to a ghost, and when the real apocalypse comes, it’s going to be like a ghost; we’re not going to be able to do shi*t but sit there and take it. Why? Because the real apocalypse will take one of these forms.

Collision with Astral Body
When this happens, and it will happen eventually, we’re screwed. I don’t care how many times NASA watches Armageddon, we’re not going to be able to stop a meteor, or whatever that stupid invisible planet X idiots keep talking about from blowing up half the earth and covering the other half in a shroud of dust for a couple of decades. No sun = no nothing, which is fine by the sun, because it wants to burn the earth up anyway when it eventually goes supernova. True story.

The Sun
See above. I guess we could also get fried by a giant solar storm, or at least it might contribute to something like an economic disaster.

Pandemic
The last time a big pandemic happened back in 1918, 50 million died worldwide. There’s no reason to believe it won’t happen again, and there won’t be anything anybody can do to stop it. Lets hope it isn’t some magic airborne thing we cook up in a lab. We’re already on our way to that when we reconstructed the shit from that 1918 catastrophe. The CDC never watched Kung Fu Panda, I’ll bet.

Pollution
Yeah, I think it is possible we could make the world someplace where even we can’t live, and it will probably cause one of the following…mass extinctions including the food producers we need in order to feed ourselves could cause worldwide starvation, or perhaps some other sort of environmental disaster. I’m not going to list all of the possibilities, cause there are a lot of ways we could kill ourselves here.

The fun thing about this apocalypse, is we know damn well we’re doing it, and we’re all doing it. Every. Single. One. Of. Us. We just don’t give a sh*t. If I did, would I be in a house filled with pollution creating goods, made by pollution creating machines by a pollution creating industry on a computer, using electricity generated by unsustainable fuels? Nope.

Water
We all need it, and they’re not making any more. This is sad, because we are ruining it at an alarming rate. One need only look at drought wracked areas of the world, including the American southwest, to see the eventual future of the rest of the world. 

Economic Disaster
All of the preceding disasters would probably be accompanied by an economic collapse, either localized or worldwide. Of course, it might happen on its own. A world wide depression, worse than the one we are in now, could cause a lot of death and destruction. Not a damn thing the common man can do about it, either.

Nuclear Holocaust
I don’t know how many times over we could blow up the entire planet with the nuclear weapons we, as a species, has accumulated.

So, next time you decided to go out and buy some bullets to stock up for zombies, or the election later this year, remember, you can’t shoot starvation, or pollution, and they don’t make a bullet big enough for Nibiru (seriously, people believe an invisible planet, foretold by a woman who claimed aliens explained the whole thing to her, will destroy us). Chances are, the only thing you’ll be shooting is your neighbor in a fight over a MRE scavenged off a corpse somewhere as you live a miserable existence in a world of fear, pain, and mistrust.

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