Presidential Candidates 2012: Honey Badger

Next on our list of potential presidential candidates; a fierce, furry friend.

Honey Badger

Summary: ( Mellivora capensis), is a badgerlike member of the weasel family (Mustelidae) noted for its fondness for honey and not giving a shit. Also known as a ratel; Honey badgers live in covered (areas with ground cover) and forested regions of Africa and southern Asia. The adult stands 25-30 cm (10-12 inches) at the shoulder and has a heavily built, thick-skinned body about 60-77 cm (24-30 inches) long, plus a tail length of 20-30 cm. The ears are rudimentary; the upper body parts are whitish, but the lower parts, face, and legs are black-the two colours sharply separated. Honey badgers are also nasty. Despite their name, honey badgers are primarily carnivorous animals, and will take any sort of animal food at hand, including carrion, small rodents, scorpions, birds, eggs, insects, lizards, snakes, tortoises and frogs. They will eat fruit and vegetables such as berries, roots and bulbs. Honey badgers take what they want.

Why? Honey badger’s most defining quality is its immunity to politics. It doesn’t give a shit, and has no regard for any other animal whatsoever. Honey badger would not pander to party politics, because it probably wouldn’t be in a political party. It wouldn’t worry about re-election. It wouldn’t worry about giving a little (or a lot) to get a little (or a lot).  Honey badger wouldn’t let politics of any kind keep it from doing what it wants. Parasite bills? Making lame, unrelated deals with the other party just to pass something important?

“F*ck that!” says honey badger.

Proponents of small government might find honey badger a viable candidate. As a wild animal, honey badger is used to subsistence living, and expanding the government would not be a concern during its presidency.

Honey badger is also largely immune to snake venom, so an assassination attempt using snakes would be nothing but a tasty snack and a nap for President Honey Badger.

Why Not? While honey badger may be immune to snake venom and politics, he may not be immune to bribery. Give him a fresh chunk of honey comb, or nice juicy rat, and he’ll likely look the other way. Honey badger’s total disregard for every other living thing might also make him the biggest jerk on Capitol Hill. Getting the public behind honey badger as a candidate might be a problem, and his behavior would be a public relations nightmare. It is highly unlikely that honey badger would even give a shit about governing.

Being an animal, honey badger might have some barriers when it comes to the presidency, at home and abroad. The fact the badger is an animal might win it the votes of those deeply concerned with animal rights and animal equality, but its diet of other animals might also cause the opposite effect. Foreign diplomats from many countries, especially those that don’t think of animals as “cutsie-wootsie little peoples” may not wish to meet with a wild animal.

Lets not forget, honey badgers only live about 20 years, and that is far below the minimum required age to run for the presidency. Furthermore, only a honey badger bred in America could run.

Final Analysis: While I dream of some day having a president capable of resisting political pressure, or at least puts real governing over the game of politics, I don’t think the single-minded philosophy of the honey badger is the way to go. Getting a wild animal that eats mice raw and poops wherever it wants elected president is also probably next to impossible, if even it’s sincerity is unrivaled by any politician; past or present.

Also, don’t forget; I am looking for more fictional Presidential candidates. Please submit a few in comments or to bullpissblog@gmail.com. There are a few rules:

Try to stick with people/things/animals you would actually want to see elected.
Fictional characters should at least have some personality or back story.
Avoid historical figures. Boring.
No real politicians; living or dead. Way boring.

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2 comments on “Presidential Candidates 2012: Honey Badger

  1. […] Michael Jackson Honey Badger Princess Leia Share this:FacebookTwitterLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. This entry was […]

  2. […] my surprise when I found this out thanks to a reader. I guess more people have found my post on honey badger as a presidential candidate after its campaign became a […]

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