Presidental Candidates 2012: Michael Jackson

Candidate Name: Michael Jackson

Summary: Few people in the civilized world have never heard the name Michael Jackson, synonymous with some of the most popular songs ever, and his increasingly bat-shit crazy behavior throughout his career. Jackson began his musical career with the Jackson five in the 60’s, singing with his brothers until deciding to go solo in the early 70’s. His energetic music, coupled with his inventive dance moves, rocketed him to fame, and he soon became known as the King of Pop. His unique musical style could only be overshadowed by his bizzare personal behavior. Eccentric doesn’t being to describe MJ, who’s claim to fame also includes allegations of child molestation, strange relationships, and an ever-changing appearance.

Despite not doing much of note since the mid-90’s, the King of Pop remained a popular figure in the musical world until his death in 2009.

Why? MJ has a powerful tool when it comes to the Presidential race; his ability to garner support no matter what crazy-ass thing he does. Either a master of public image, or some sort of hypnotic wizard, the King of Pop has coasted through allegations of child molestation, actually stood trial against allegations of child molestation, did whatever the f*ck he did to his face, owned a God-damned chimp, had the usual  weird celebrity marriages, and continued to act increasingly erratic; losing a total of 2 fans. So complete is Jackson’s hold over his fans, his thralls continue to worship him even after his death. I’m guessing more people went to Jackson’s funeral, or mourned his death, than what voted in the 2008 election. Total.

Remember, he hadn’t done anything cool since 1995, and HIStory wasn’t even that great.

At the very least, perhaps Jackson would grace us with another cool movie, like Captain EO, Moonwalker, or Michael Jackson’s Ghosts, explaining, in a dance-infused story, why he should be president.

He can also turn into a car. That’s got to be worth a few votes.

Why Not? While having the power to crush the polls, whether Jackson could actually lead is highly questionable. I don’t think anybody had a clue as to what he was thinking since the mid 70’s. Inviting kids to a “sleepover” is a terrible idea, no matter how innocent your plans for them. Either his decision making skills are horrible, or he knew his career was invincible.

As for the invincibility of his career, I suspect dark ties. All politicians live in their own world, but MJ somehow brought the world he inhabited to us, physically. I would not doubt that the King of Pop had contact with some sort of Lovcraftian beings, prompting his slow decent into madness. His appearance even changed drastically, into something barely resembling a human. Don’t give me that disease sh*t. It is far more likely ancient beings slowly drained his body, and spirit, in exchange for an immortal musical career.

With his control over zombies, MJ would likely sway the votes of those who still think all this zombie crap is cool.

Final Analysis: While having the King of Pop as President of the United States would be highly entertaining, to those who are entertained by child molestation, and lunacy, I don’t think Jackson could lead the country. It would be far more likely he would finally have that gigantic, laser shooting statue of himself built outside of Las Vegas, and hypnotize you into letting your kids sleep over at his White House neverland before he fixed the economy.

Or maybe we’d change over to a dance-based economy. That would be weird.


One comment on “Presidental Candidates 2012: Michael Jackson

  1. […] Michael Jackson Honey Badger Princess Leia Share this:FacebookTwitterLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. […]

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