not entirely sure you all know, 2012 is an election year. This means we will be selecting one of two candidates, hand-picked by special interest groups the world over, to be the next president of the United States. A lot is riding on this election. We’re still in a depression. The world economy is looking grim. The Middle-East is as unstable as ever. Dirty, jobless hippies have somehow escaped the 60’s and are terrorizing “the man” once again.
However, this doesn’t mean we can’t have fun! Just look at the Republican Party. They’re having a blast. They’ve got so many candidates, and they’re all equally viable. Just look at them go! Hell, by the time this is over, we might even have several different Republican candidates on the ballot! Wouldn’t that be fun? Why don’t we all start pulling candidates out of our a**es?
Now there’s an idea!
Lets make our own candidate! I mean you, the three people who actually read Bullp*ss. I want you to send me the names of people, or things, you think would make a fine President of the United States. You can even give me a reason why you think they would make a great president. It can be an actual person. It can be a cartoon character. It can be your dog, I guess, as long as you don’t mind me making stuff up about your dog.
There is one major rule, however:
They can’t be real politicians.
Why? Because that’s boring sh*t. I look at real politicians enough now, and let me tell you, it is no fun.
So, send your candidates to firstname.lastname@example.org. Send as many as you want, whenever you want, and I’ll write something up on them.Maybe we’ll even have a vote, sometime.
It will probably look something like this (just for you, Tony):
Candidate Name: Vegeta
Summary: Vegeta is a powerful fighter within the Dragonball universe, and one of the few Saiya-jin to survive the destruction of their home world. His power is only rivaled by his arrogance, as he was once the prince of his people before he and his father were dethroned by an even bigger asshole; Frieza. First appearing in the spotlight as a galactic marauder, Vegeta meant to steal the Earth’s dragonballs in order to become imortal, but was defeated by fellow Saiyan survivor, Goku.
Since then, Vegeta has reluctantly fought alongside Goku and the “Z Warriors” when the Earth has been in danger, though usually to serve his own ends (like saving his own ass). Years of beatings and death has not tempered Vegeta’s arrogance; he stubbornly holds to the belief he is the superior warrior, sporadically challenging Kakarot to battle when he feels he might have the upper edge. Only recently has he learned to tone down the “supreme warrior” shtick, and relax a little bit.
Pros: Vegeta would be the strongest president in the history of the United States. Literally. It is unlikely congress could stand before his withering gaze and threats of destruction. He would do whatever he wanted, and so would every other country in the world, if they knew what was good for them. No modern military could stand against America and its president, who could effortlessly, and without warning, wipe out entire countries. Able to intimidate the world powers into doing whatever America wanted, the country would likely see great economic gain, though the distribution of wealth may not be optimal (or exist at all).
Elections would also be a thing of the past, as it is likely Vegeta would simply never give up the presidency.
Cons: Though easily able to manipulate domestic, and world governments, it isn’t certain whether Vegeta would care much for governing. His opinion that humans are weak, and pathetic, makes it far more likely he would do whatever would benefit him, and leave the rest of the “worms” to deal with everything else.
The supremacy of Vegeta as a one-man world power is also questionable. It has been demonstrated on multiple occasions, that no matter how strong he gets, the next alien, demon, or resurrected foe that shows up will likely kick his a**. All Iran would have to do is create a nuclear powered android, and we’d be done for.
Vegeta also cries more than any adult on the show.
Final analysis: Not a very good candidate. While his strength, and will are impressive, Vegeta is just a jerk who’s never learned to relax, despite spending a good amount of time dead thanks to his arrogance. The best he could do would be to pretty much leave everything alone, and we’ve got presidents who do that already. It is that, or he would run his mouth and get the earth blown up by some superior alien fighter.