New Life Plan: You’ll hate me by May.

New Year’s resolutions are popular. My opinion on the matter is; if you have to wait for a new year to start making changes, you’ve already failed. Give up. Just go ahead and eat the cookie. You know you’ll be wolfing down the whole box come March.

No, really. I get it.  New year’s resolutions are a symbolic gesture. We like being symbolic, or at least dramatic, so we’ve chosen that pivotal moment when when we put up a new calendar to be a great time to change our lives. It’s cute, really. Everyone and their sneaky uncle gets in on the fun. Even I make New Year’s resolutions. Usually they’re along the lines of eat more vegetables, read more, write more, drink less, and get a life. I’ve made these same resolutions for about 6 years now.

While I do eat more vegetables, I don’t read or write much more. I definitely don’t drink less or have a life. I think I’ve found out why. I think I need to skip the superficial things this year and make fundamental changes in the way I think about and react to things.

This year’s resolution:

Be a dick

That’s right.  A total douche bag. A lot of successful people I know are dicks. A lot of happy people I know are dicks. Being a dick frees your mind from all of that “caring” crap. It keeps you from having to be responsible. There are so many ways to be a dick, and they all let you do whatever you want.  Being a dick is a veritable toolbox of ways to win at life.

I’m wright, your wrong!
This is the core concept of being a dick, and why they seem to have insurmountable confidence. It is also how they avoid responsibility of any kind. A dick is never wrong, no matter how much science, logic, or history says otherwise. For example, the grammar and spelling above are correct because either a.) everybody writes like this these days and nobody cares about these things anyway, so stop being a “grammar Nazi”, or b.) in some obscure period of some century people wrote like that and it was correct, therefore I am not wrong, but just using the “old way” for fun.

While a dick can never be wrong, they can make “less than optimal” choices, but it is always the fault of somebody/something else, and the only logical option they had . This accounts for almost everything a dick does being a dick.

What is this “empathy” thing?
Nothing hobbles me more so than looking at both sides of a story. I don’t know how many times my anger has been tempered by understanding why somebody has done something, even if I don’t think it was the right choice. I’m not doing that anymore. I don’t care what reasons a person has for doing something. If it pisses me off, it is wrong. No. Matter. What.

Respond to criticism with attitude.
Everybody knows criticism, constructive or otherwise, is just another way of saying “f*ck you! You suck!”. Even if it seems somebody is trying to help you, they’re only trying to politely express their annoyance at you screwing up their day with your incompetence or wasting their time with your attempts at achieving something. At the very least they’ll bitch about how big of a f*ck up you are behind your back.

Therefore, I will now respond to any criticism in all situations with either denial of my failure, indifference or butt-hurt. Besides, a dick is never wrong.

Gratitude is for losers.
Only chumps let a past favor keep them from doing whatever they want, whenever they want. No self-respecting dick will ever remember, or repay a favor, or anything, for that matter,  unless it benefits them.

Say the first thing that comes to mind.
Professors say the first answer you think of when taking a test is usually the right one, so why isn’t the first comment you think of, in any situation, the right one? It only makes sense. Why waste time debating whether or not what you are about to say is appropriate. Of course it is. You’re a dick. Dicks are never wrong.

I think if I stick to this plan, it will be a good year. I’ve also come up with a sub-set of resolutions to cover other areas of my life being a dick may not.

Towels are suitable pants when living la vida Interneto.

Live entirely on the Internet.
I might as well put the other foot in the grave, as I pretty much do this anyway. Instead of attempting to spend time away from the computer, I’m going to spend every moment I can online, either playing games or lurking on news and fan site message boards, constantly posting comments.

Continue being a dick.
The Internet is a great place to be a dick, because nobody can punch you. I don’t know why I’ve been so nice all these years. About 90% of comments on everything everywhere are posted by dicks, and didn’t need to be written. I will spam every news story about the GOP with: “This is another example of Republicans blowing so hard, it makes Bill Clinton smile”. I also vow to be as intolerable as possible when playing online games, you f*cking noobs.

Enjoy “questionable” material.
Since the only time I will be leaving my computer is to get another beer, I might as well go whole-hog and start enjoying some of those fan-fiction “shipping” stories and questionable pictures of cartoon characters. Daddy will be home soon, Kitty Katswell.

Unabashedly abuse alcohol.
Screw it. I’m drinking as much as I want. I don’t care that the cut-out of Rainbow Dash I’ve slipped under the clear plastic cover of my Skyrim copy disapproves. I’m not an alcoholic, Dashy. I just need something to take the edge off. I was just forced to kill a man for a Daedric prince, and am now talking to a paper pony,  for Christ’s sakes.


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