2011 has the distinction of being one of my least favorite years ever. It started out on a down note, coasted through the summer, and ended up in a ditch. It also has the distinction of being the first year I’ve ever finished out doubting things will ever get better; globally or locally. Yup, it’s been a pretty lousy year, and I’m thinking the next one will be too. It is, after all, an election year.
So, without further ado (not adieu), tonight’s Wrist Violin Theater*.
I think the single worst part about 2011 has been my inability to consistently deny the fact that I am a 32 year old with a college degree living in his parents basement with no prospects or friends. I also live in the woods with really lousy internet. Hiding behind alcohol, and a lot of video games, helped me forget about this the past six years. I don’t know what my problem is this year, but I can’t seem to shake the depression and get back to my undeserved optimistic state. After all, thinking positively and doing nothing worked for decades, what’s different now?
Then there are the constant, lingering “problems”. The doctor says it is “anxiety”. Since I have no life and spend most of my time alone, it seems my brain has decided I am sick or dying most of the time. It used to be only one or two months, but this past year I have experienced a range of symptoms, from numb limbs to abdominal pressure and shortness of breath for over 6 months. They really ruin my day. Since October, I’ve had moderate back pain and I seem to stop shake when I sit up, stretch out my arms, walk down stairs in the morning. It could be stress. It could be a herniated disk. It could be Parkinson’s. I can only tell myself I’m “making this stuff up” for so long before I start to wonder if there really is something wrong with me.
Like being a ceaseless worry-wart, and driving myself f*cking crazy.
I really don’t socialize anymore. I would love to do so, but I don’t really feel like traveling to where my friends live, especially in the winter, when I actually have time to visit people. Besides, I don’t have any “nerd” friends, and I’m really starting to want to hang out with people I can talk to. I get tired of sitting around talking office politics (and explaining I’m a washed-up fry cook) and sports with people I don’t know at the bar/friends “party”. Thank God I love fishing and tried pot once, or I’d be sitting in the corner by myself. I want geek stuff. I want “electronic music”. I want people playing DDR or Super Street Fighter 4, for Christ’s sake. I want to talk about cool games and cartoons, not complain about how crappy work/child-rearing/marriage/dating, and the economy is. I think about those things enough by myself.
For the past 6 years, the only continuous contact I have is either with my parents or with co-workers, half of whom I really don’t like. I really think my parents are starting to wonder about me. I’m starting to get really self-conscious around them about some things. My mom is the kind that loves having one of her kids still around (I’m basically a house-elf; I’m sure that helps), but I think my dad is starting to wonder about his adult son’s habits of playing video games and watching My Little Pony. I think it would be a lot different if I didn’t live at home and made more than $8.75 an hour. I don’t blame him. I feel him staring at me whenever I’m on the computer playing WoW. It burns. I’ve started doing the things I enjoy less because of this.
As for the job. It is just bad; even for what it is. Imagine the worst place you’ve ever worked with mostly the worst kinds of people working there. The place even makes the guys who own it miserable.
I could continue. I don’t want to work in newspaper journalism. I’m missing half of my teeth. I haven’t touched a woman in 5 years (barring kitchen accidents). I’ve got a load of debt I can’t pay. I can’t seem to figure out how to move on and lack the motivation to do so. I’m not even good at video games. I’m still short. The economy is only going to get worse. Politics have become a circus, with arrogant politicians who don’t even try to hide the fact everything is a special interest free-for all. World-changing issues continue to be ignored. I haven’t really liked a movie in years. Television really, really sucks.
It’s an election year.
So, I’m planning on hunkering down in 2012 with a bottle of Wild Turkey; trying to ignore the world around me while watching cartoons made for kids. Programing for “adults” is just awful, depressing, or worse than the worst drama-filled night you’ve ever experienced anymore. To be honest, most kids shows aren’t any better, but I’d like to see “Vampire Diaries” fans raise 15 grand for children’s charities over the holidays (good job, “bronies”). Maybe I’ll try to find an actually good RPG like Persona. Maybe that new FFXIII-2 will be alright, but it looks too girly.
Now that I’ve written all this crap down, I’m going to take this post and burn it. Maybe I’ll just set fire to my computer. In hindsight, I should have written this on a piece of paper. Hindsight is 20-20.
Happy New Year, everybody! I’m starting the new year with a that nonsense off my chest and a flying shark. That’s a good start. Time for dinner, a few drinks, and some fun, fun, fun activities of my choice.
I’m still not looking forward to the election, though. I’m really, really not at all excited about it.
*The term “wrist violin” was coined by Morgan Merry (and probably 5000 other people). It is pretty much the same as “worlds smallest violin”, except it suggests that if things are so bad, just stop complaining and kill yourself. I’ve adopted the term “Wrist Violin Theater” for times when people are expressing their self-centered, usually self-inflicted grievances to an audience, such as what I just did. Don’t worry. I’m not going to kill myself, you twits. I still have to see the rest of the second season of MLP and finish Skyrim. Also, I’d miss my dog.