Websites are Hard and the Internet is Full of Savages

Everybody knows I love spam-bots. They keep my posts warm at night, and without them, I would never get comments like this:

Hey! Our staff members are searching for forthcoming freelancers, can you be attracted? This in turn won’t allow you prosperous on the other hand there is an attractive salary and if you surely appreciate penning then it opportunity is for you.

However, I can’t help but feel there is something more out there than cheap bot-love and accidental visitors looking up images of mutilated camels. Sometimes people actually come to my site on purpose, and it feels nice. When Femmegasm artist Robbie Allen Twitter-linked to my site, I got more viewers in an hour than most of my posts have gotten all year.

It gave me a wingboner.

So, I again decided to look into what I can do to generate more traffic. Sure, the best way is to write good articles  about things people want to read about.  This is hard to do with a “personal” blog, and quite frankly, who has the time to write original content? A lot of big-name blogs just serve up steaming piles of copypasta, and they get tons of viewers. I think I will just start copying major news stories, but changing them just a little bit to see if anybody notices. Maybe I’ll replace the word “but” with “butt”  and occasionally add the sentence “Whatever.” following an important paragraph.  If I am lucky, a Huffington Post blogger with copy and paste one of my re-vamped articles.

Other websites linking to yours is another great way for a site to get noticed, as more links makes search engines “find” your work more often. There are several ways to do this, such as writing good articles about things people want to read about.  Other methods include being a link-whore, spamming the sh*t out of your page on social sites and building a re-directing dummy page full of copypasta articles on popular topics

Check, and check. I don’t know how to make dummy pages.

Then there are the technical aspects of making your site more noticeable to search engines. For this, I visited Google webmaster tools and followed a few of the tutorials. Immediately, I knew I was out of my league. Site maps? URL Parameters? Preferred domain? Crawl rate? HTML? No wonder people hire “web optimizers”.

I do, at least,  understand “queries” now. They are the horrible things people search for on the web that Google thinks my site has content about.  The webmaster tools even give me cute little graphs and charts telling me all about how relevant it thinks my site is related to a given term, how many times people click on it, and how high up it is on the search scale.

So, what is the top query? Ponibooru. Type in Ponibooru an Bullp*ss shows up 8th on the list.

Great, right? Unfortunately, nobody comes to my sites for the ponies. Fewer than 10 people have clicked that. Instead, they come to see frigging pictures related to Body Worlds and Bodies Human. In fact, five of the top ten queries are related to these exhibits.

“Personas”, “Pinkie Pie Funny”, “semen” and “anime penis” fill out the top slots. One would think they were unrelated topics, but you’d be surprised.

Google has returned my site for about 4k different search terms now. I didn’t have time to look at them all, but here are some of the more interesting I noticed.

I wonder where that fish did go?: Oh, I get it. Monty Python’s Meaning of Life. I never found it in that scene either.
Edward Cullin penis cake: Don’t eat glitter.
The Munsters second season: The most unrelated to any other search query. Who the hell liked The Munsters, anyway?
Robot rape: Maybe they are looking for anime and maybe they are looking for the Fruitf*cker.
Please don’t put your fingers through my ears: This is actually a poster about not putting fingers through people’s lame a**  ear shaping hoops.
Spaceship parts: It crashed over 15 years ago, and I have already sold most of the good stuff.
The toilet of Venus: An actual painting, believe it or not.
Don’t hurt me, I am already dead: Sounds too whiny for me to even look up.
Just kidding, I posted Pinkie Pie: Me too. Pinkie equipping Pinkie is a great TF2 spray.

So many of the queries involve dicks, semen and sex. Sex with anything an everything. I’m surprised “The Munsters porno” wasn’t a search term, but I only looked at the first 1k or so. I wish I had never used the word “penis” on my page. In fact, I wish I had never written about anything at all, especially cartoons. Poor Katara. Poor Princess Bubblegum. Poor, poor ponies.  Why is the Internet full of raging cartoon rapists? This is what anime is for.


One comment on “Websites are Hard and the Internet is Full of Savages

  1. Kelly says:

    Isn’t it just great to have the internet sum up the content of your life 😉

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