Lately, I’ve thought about ways to try and increase the traffic to my blog. I love my spam-bot readership, but I would like more actual people visiting my site. I thought updating it more than once every other week is a good start. I also considered writing about stuff that people care about.
Of course, it all depends on how search sites see Bullp*ss, and to be honest, I’m not the most tech savvy when it comes to that stuff. I did have the foresight to register my blog on Google. I even got a neat little webmaster’s page and everything, where I can see all the little technical aspects of how Google looks at Bullp*ss.
The first thing that stood out was a neat little list of “queries”. It is a list of words. I’m not exactly sure what they are. Are they words people use to find my site? Are they words Google thinks are relevant to my site. What does the “impression” rating across from the word mean. Why are there so many involving the word “penis”?
Alright, out of about 600 “queries”, only about 30 involve “penis” or derivatives. A lot of the combinations are intriguing, and some are illegal. I can understand how some of them might be associated with my site. I did use the word “penis” a few times while writing about Persona 4, so it makes sense. That or perhaps it is Mara, the ol’ dick in a chariot getting revenge for me never creating him from the essences of my other personas.
However, some of these combinations involving the word “penis” are quite odd, and I would like to share some of these “queries”, and give a little advice to those who may be searching the web for these things.
“Smelling”, “smell” and “smell of”: Maybe what a penis smells like is something kids want to know after they find out if you can get pregnant just by touching one. Either that, or somebody has a serious medical problem.
“Glass”: I know what a glass jaw is, so either this is also something to be seen by a doctor, or a new term for premature ejaculation.
“In butthole” and “instert”: It is a good idea to get permission first.
“Fishing”: I think the term is “noodling”, and they don’t use that part of the body. At least not while anybody is looking.
“Amazon **** fish”: It is called the candiru, and apparently it does do what everybody says it does, but not nearly as often.
There are also some combinations I won’t mention. Either some sick, sick person touched my site, or there is a news story I didn’t hear about some poor, poor child with a terrible injury.
Other fun “queries” read like people were looking up the name of a certain pornographic movie by typing in the dialog like lyrics from a song. However, “Oh, God, yes.”, “I want your **** inside of me”, “enjoy my ****” and “finger my b-hole“ are probably used in about 2398 different movies. Somebody needs to narrow their search down. Much like the person looking up the ambiguous “ass” and “HD ass”, a pretty wide net has been cast.
Other “queries” were not as vulgar, but similarly intriguing.
“Camel body parts”: Yes, I know where to get them.
“Kids Next Door sex”: I should have never written about fan-fiction.
“Please do not put your fingers through my ears”: No, no. I would never.
“Finn as a girl”: It is Fionna, and the cat’s name is Cake. Whether the gender-swapped characters will be featured in an episode or the creators are just having fun is still TBD, as far as I know.
“Purple dog cartoon network”: Courage, the Cowardly Dog. Never liked it that much.
“Hot Cheetos”: Knew a girl who ate them on ice cream.
“My Little Pony iPhone wallpaper”: Does it exist? Maybe I’ll rethink never owning one.
“My Little Pony Left for Dead”: I’d play it, though I think it may have more to do with pony-related modifications like in Team Fortress and ye olde Counterstrike.
“My Little Pony: FiM MMO”: Don’t think it would be that great, to be honest.
“Pinkie Pie is watching you”: I know. I know.