Bad Movies:Schoolgirls and a Talking Dog

I like to watch bad movies. It can’t be just a plain bad movie, though. Good bad movies have something about them people find entertaining. Good bad movies have some sort of redeeming quality pushing through the bad plot, bad acting and bad special effects.

Watch: Hausu  (House), 1977.

Hausu is an absolutely batsh*t crazy Japanese horror film about a group of young school girls being terrorized, literally,  by their vacation cottage. Yes, it is a “friends in a relatives haunted house” movie, but I can guarantee people have never imagined such insane things happening that happen in Hausu, let alone seen it on film.

Melons laugh menacingly.  Heads fly out of wells. Girls are attacked and devoured by firewood, blankets, telephones, pianos demonic cats and ghostly relatives. Girls strip off their clothing for for no reason during said attacks. Terrible “green screen” special effects include things that look as if they’ve been drawn directly on the film and dismembered body parts flying about looking as if they’d just been cut and pasted onto the screen.

Why does Kung Fu’s disembodied lower torso fly out of a lamp and flying-kick a portrait of a cat? Because it can.

Yes, Kung Fu is the actual name of one of the characters. The movie doesn’t want you to have to think about which girl stereotype Kung Fu, Melody, Fantasy, Gorgeous, The Prof, Sweet and Mac represent, so they just tell you.

Mac is the fat girl,  just in case that one is a little vague.

The movie sucks, of course. However, the never-ending crazy makes it worth watching with some friends,  a few beers or your drug of choice. More of an experience, really, than a film for watching.

There’s a T-shirt available from the American distributor of the film (which was picked up and shown in the states starting in frickin’ 2009!), in case you were wondering. I just might buy one.

Don’t Watch: A Boy and His Dog, 1975.

I like dogs. I read somewhere that dogs were pretty much the best thing on the planet, and I agree. Unfortunately for this film, the best thing on the planet couldn’t even  save this plain bad film.

Albert (call him Vic) is a rapist wandering a post apocalyptic wasteland looking for canned goods to steal and women to rape. In his spare time, he likes to watch porno with the guys. Traveling with him is Blood, the telepathic dog who uses his super doggie sonar (it actually “pings”) to locate “females” and avoid danger.

So that’s the first half of the movie. When Albert actually finds a woman to rape, she turns out to be from a 50’s style underground dystopia, and lures her into her domain so he can be used for inseminating the women. Lets just say things don’t work out so well from there. I can’t be sure what happened because I fell asleep through most of that part. It was really boring.

First of all, unless you can identify with a rapist, you won’t feel the least bit connected to Albert, or his constantly bitching dog. It was actually kind of awkward to watch for the first half our or so, because I knew he is actively searching for victims, and it gets really awkward when he actually finds a “female”.

Second, the movie is just terrible. Really bad. It is slow and uninteresting. The film doesn’t actually feature have half of what descriptions of it say it does. There are no mutants. There are no androids. What it does have, you’ve seen it a million times, except done better, without the nagging sensation you’re watching a soft-core snuff film.

I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be some sort of commentary on the human species. When we’re trying to simply survive, we’re total assholes with no regard for anybody but ourselves. When we build societies, we’re still total dicks who force people to conform.

A Boy and His Dog is a cult classic, but I don’t know why other than I can see it’s influence on some video games years, years later (Fallout, Bioshock).  It is by far the worst bad movie I have seen in a while. I suppose people who like films that show the human species in the worst possible light, or are  rapists, the film might be appealing. Then again, there are better films with those themes out there too.


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