Old News: 2012 Starts Today

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in the future, and not just because I fantasize about sex with machines; I see things happening now that aren’t supposed to happen yet.

Take last week’s rapture, for example. I thought we were all supposed to die next year, but a Mr. Harold Camping predicted a while ago that last Saturday, May 21st, would be the beginning of the end. The former civil engineer and owner of the world-renowned Christian radio station, Family Radio, told his followers all worthy believers would be magicked up to heaven at 6 p.m. local time around the world, and the rest of us poor shlubs would be left to rot in a hell on earth until we went to real hell when the world was destroyed by fire in October.

As we all know, nothing happened.

It sure got enough news coverage from reputable sources though. Why, you might ask? Even if there was one smidgen of a chance the world might begin to end, would you want to be the journalist who shrugged that story off?

We’ve all heard the stories by now about all of the people who quit jobs, dropped out of school and split their families in twain over this prediction, but it isn’t over yet. After being “flabbergasted” people didn’t disappear off the face of the earth, he declared the rapture had, indeed, taken place. However, instead of a “poof, you’re in heaven” kind of rapture, it was a spiritual rapture. Jesus came down and judged our souls on May 21st at 6 p.m. local time, and the world will still end in hot, hot fire on October 21st.

So, I guess Camping followers who was thinking about putting their shattered lives back together can forget about that.

What a Jerk.

Speaking of jerks, Donald Trump decided not to run in the 2012 election, which started sometime last year, probably.

I don’t know which is worse; that the idea of Trump as president was actually debated on television as if it might actually be a legitimate bid, or that some people actually thought that it might be a legitimate bid because it was being debated on television.

It is speculated trump “withdrew” his publicity stunt because running for president because he would have to reveal his tax information (but only if Obama produced his, oh, wait, he did). Maybe. I think it is because somebody would have to be insane to give up renting out their name for millions of dollars and doing whatever the hell they wanted to become the highly scrutinized president of these United States.

Seriously. Why does anybody want that job?

Gary Johnson, Fred Karger, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain and Barack Obama, that’s who.

Trump would have fit in just fine. I can’t wait for next year.


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