Why I Watch Cartoons

I turned on the television the other day. Some stoic detectives were watching grieving parents through a pane of glass. Cut to a smiling criminal. Roll credits. Change the channel to Cartoon Network.

I don’t always watch television, but when I do, I watch cartoons 90% of time. It could be Young Justice, Gurra Laggan or Adventure Time.  It could be Ben 10: Ultimate Alien, DBZ or Pokemon. It could be Chowder, Regular Show or My Little Pony: Friendship is Friggin’ Magic.

Hell; I’m not even really watching half of the time.

It isn’t that I think cartoons are great television; it’s that I think they are better television than almost everything else out there. I don’t like television drama. I don’t want to watch something that will “change my life” or make me “never look at Law and Order the same way again”. I don’t want to watch the seedy romances and the breakdowns and the doctor end up addicted to painkillers and losing his license.

I cannot stand reality television. First, I don’t believe they reflect reality. Second, I don’t believe they aren’t at least half scripted. I don’t want to watch A-Type personalities and borderline sociopaths competing with each other. I didn’t like it when the Real World did it first.  I don’t want to watch fat kids, bratty kids, fat adults or bratty adults. If I want a  sideshow I’ll find a real one.

Sitcoms suck too. Here’s the plot of every single one since the mid 90’s; emotionally retarded assholes screw over their friends and family then learn a valuable lesson in the end they should have known already.

Even animal shows are annoying these days. I was watching people wrangle cobras and things eating each other since Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom and Marty Stouffer’s Wild America. It’s the same animals today, except now I get a five-minute buildup of how deadly a cobra can be, with a few commercial cuts building suspense,  preceded by previews of the next segment featuring the snake wrangler swearing and looking worried.

The evening news? If I want a cold cup of depression, I’ll tune it. Sometimes its fun to worry about things completely out of your control.

So I watch cartoons instead of “adult” shows. Maybe it is because I am still a kid. I like things involving friendship, adventure and smiting evil. I think cartoons are more motivational. The morals are usually better too.  I would rather have parents let their children watch violent anime like Bleach or Naruto instead The Kardasians.

Cartoon characters are better people. Not always, but most of the time.

Of course, there is always The Doctor.

Chowder sucks, but it's better than every reality show ever.

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