When I’m Lonely, I go to a Funeral.


I do not understand the celebrity funeral thing. I can’t imagine wanting to watch, or go to, the funeral of a celebrity. I can’t imagine getting together with a big group of  other people to “mourn”, either. Maybe I’ve just never liked an entertainer, or a body of work enough. Maybe I’ve never known the love that burns in the heart of a super-fan.

This must be the disconnect. I’m just a normal fan. If Bruce Campbell died tomorrow, I’d drink a beer and watch Evil Dead 2. Maybe I’d call my buddy who always watched Campbell movies with me in high school. Perhaps getting a local theater to show a few of his best movies as a memorial would be cool too. This is what normal fans do. If I was a super-fan, I’d call in sick to work so I could attend some mass-mourning, or worse yet, join the crowd surrounding wherever the poor guy’s funeral was being held. Maybe I’d call Governor Snyder and ask him to fly the flag at half staff.

That last bit was really dumb, by the way. Maybe I could understand if she died in service to her country; perhaps stopping some terrorist attack at one of her concerts, but she didn’t. She died of dubious causes in a hotel bathroom. Definitely not a heroic end, even by Jersey standards.

Super-fandom aside, I think funeral crashing is becoming a thing, like wedding crashing. Maybe it always has been, I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just a jerk, but I don’t go to the funerals of people I didn’t know intimately. I can only think of a handful of people who’s funeral I’d attend, unless asked specifically. Co workers? Nope. Friend’s spouses? Nope. They guy you made small talk with at the bar every Saturday night? Nope. That one teacher from 6th grade? Nope. The guy in town everybody knew? Nope.

I actually get annoyed when people go to funerals they have no business at. If you are that bored, read a book. Hell, I’ve known people to go to the funerals of people they didn’t even like, and actually act sad. It becomes some sort of “grief-off”, where people fight over who “knew” the deceased best. I’ve seen it. It is some sort of social scam. I want to put these people in a coffin of their own.

If your life is that devoid of anything with gravity that you have to leech off other people’s loss just to feel like you’ve got something going on, you need to cope like the rest of us; Alone, on the internet.

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One comment on “When I’m Lonely, I go to a Funeral.

  1. jason says:

    Emerson once remarked that the chief mourner does not always attend the funeral

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